Death and dying are never on the forefront of our minds. I don't know too many people that like to think about it. I know it's an inevitable part of life. Just the mere thought of someone close to me departing this earth, makes my stomach knot, my jaw clench and tears fill my eyes.
Just the mere thought, my heart shatters into a million pieces!
On Wednesday we received some pretty devastating news. My husbands mother had suffered a massive stroke. As we sat for hours uncertain of her prognosis, we started preparing ourselves for the worst. These are plans that we never, EVER, hope to have make. These are the thoughts that curdle your blood, you feel your throat starts to clench shut and the fear rips through you like a thousand little knives, all at once. Certainly this isn't really happening? Is it just a horrible dream? Please wake me up, someone, pinch me! PLEASE?
It's no horrible dream, but it is truly horrible and terrifying, REAL LIFE!!
I've dealt with death in the past. I was devastated when my Grampa passed away in 2002. The feelings are still so raw, even 10 years later, it doesn't feel like it's been 10 years. That was tough. This is....this is, well, I don't know what this is. Seeing my husband in so much emotional pain, killed me. I couldn't even begin to imagine exactly how he was feeling, but if it's any indication....that kind of pain goes well beyond anything I've ever felt before. Not for me, but for him! I hated every minute of it.
I met Mary Lou 8 years ago. She embraced me and loved me as though I had always been part of her family. My in-laws are wonderful, beautiful people. We talked as frequently as we could remember to pick up the phone. I always kept them updated when Jay (Rick, Ricky or Opie, to some) was deployed. Sent them pictures of the kids, although I had been slacking lately. Shame on me!!! I promise to do better. But, we did get to go home this summer during Jay's block leave and spent some wonderful quality time with them. We had a great visit. The last day of our visit with them, we all gave Grandma Mary a big hug, told her we loved her, and as we all got a little weepy eyed, we vowed we'd see other again, as soon as we could. I guess God had different plans!!
I don't want to think about the sadness of the last few days, it's still too surreal and there's a little part of me that is bitter that I can't be there in the coming days. So for now, I'll tell you the story about the "pigs"!
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The first time I ever stepped foot in my husbands parents house (before we married), I had noticed these hand-painted pigs. Of course, I ogled over them a few times. After awhile, the comfort had set in, I'd asked Mary about the pigs several times, she'd explain that they were hand-painted, a few by her and she'd had them for many many years. As the years passed, I'd always joke that I'm gonna get the pigs, and after awhile I'd leave the house after a visit and say "Okay Mary, I'm taking the pigs with me today." To which she'd reply..'" OHHH NO you're NOT!" and we'd both start laughing. I suppose you could say it kind of became our inside joke.
The "pigs" always make me smile and they'll always remind me of Mary. Always, and Forever!!
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Back to reality. Wednesday came and went. Thursday got a little darker. Friday morning the World lost a beautiful person, but heaven now has a very special Angel. I could probably write a book of the events of those 48 hrs, but fact is, I don't think it's something to dwell on and it makes me a little angry too. I'd rather cherish the beautiful person she was and the wonderful memories I/we have.
I can't express how appreciative I am of those that have come together in my husband, father-in-law, and extended family's, time of need. The love and support has been overwhelming and my heart is sure to burst. I thank you ALL from the bottom of my heart.
I guess when it really comes down to it, it's never really good-bye!You may no longer be with us in body, but always in heart and soul, and every treasured memory. Mary Lou Rebecca Johnson, you will forever be in our hearts and we'll always have the "pigs."
In Memory of Mary Lou Rebecca Johnson; 18 February 1939- 24 August 2012.
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